Novel idea for the gentlemen in the room

Novel idea fellas:

Just ask me out to dinner, ok? Please? Then make a run for my zipper. I'm not saying it'll be a sure thing, but can you take the gamble. Please?

Yeesh.

Coming to terms.

Coming to terms with the fact that what I find absolutely irresistibly attractive about you...what draws me to you like a dreamer to a starry night...what I can see a future with...what I find comforting and familiar and precisely what [I think] I want...is unfortunately over shadowed by your arrogance and insensitive nature.

Best I come to terms with this now before I make this mistake once more...

I didn't know better

In case you all were wondering, I didn't know better. I gave him a second shot, and I still hate even his imagined voice in my ear when I read his texts. Pretentious waste of my time.

*sigh*

Unwanted attempts.

I am so sorry, but your lips are not the lips I want to be pressing mine against right about now...

11:32pm, 11:33pm, 11:34pm...

Nope, no response yet....maybe if I check my phone at 11:35pm? How about 11:36pm? 11:37?

...gotta ask myself "what's the point?" I'm still gonna wait 3-6 minutes before I respond. You know, don't wanna seem too eager...

Ambiguous.

No idea if you were checking out my figure or my outfit...


Either way, please tell the wife I say "hi".

3 day rule

Dear boys who follow the "3 day" rule,

So do you mark it off on your calendars, count with your fingers, mark it in your phone with a reminder...

how do you all decide exactly when that third day hits? And why do you always wait for the 11th hour before sending that text [a text, really]? Is it the rush of almost missing the "3 day" rule and having to enter the "4 day" rule?

Just curious. Also, if I ever hear you complain about the games women play, I am popping you in your mouth and sending you to time-out.

-Regards.

Beer goggles: Chance for Redemtion

So now I am in that uncomfortable period of time post first date/pending second date hoping to get a shot at redemption. Obviously, if there is a second date, I will look like I just strutted off the runway to meet up with him at our nearest city diner for dinner for some sliders and soda pop.

Beer goggles.

That regrettable moment when you meet up with someone you met in a dark, loud bar and that someone is way more attractive than you remember and prepared for. First question one may think to ask:

"You think it'd be cool if I ran back to the house real quick and completely re-do my current glasses and a pony tail outfit?"

It's starting....

Found myself skimming online dating sites....if I start liking cats, I'll know I'm in too deep.

You were so f@cking right

Since the breakup, I've spent time with devilishly handsome, wildly successful, emotionally mature men who don't loathe their mothers [and/or have repressed inappropriate feelings for mommy dearest that manifest themselves all the damn time].

I hope you are right about the 'never finding another one like you' comment...

Dick Magnet.

Insightful conversation with my wise, blunt mother:

Me: "Not surprising, he turned out to be a jerk."

Ma: "Well, they do seem to find you attractive." Me: "Well, that's great, but wouldn't a nice guy find me attractive then, too?" Ma: "No, I mean, you seem to actually attract a$$ holes- like you're a magnet for them." Me: *sighs* [turns to leave room; starts thinking of pet cat names.]

Knowing how guys feel-

Knowing how guys feel in a situation like this sucks. New flash, Blondie: if I buy you a beer, I expect a little TLC in return (and I don't care that it's dollar draft night on a skunked barrel- I paid my dues and now I'm looking for a little payback).

So, chuckles, next time I see you- you better have a smile on your face and your pants on the floor.

Just sayin'....

Here's a bright idea:

This time I'm gonna go for a guy who actually wants me. No unrequited nonsense. None of this "we'd have ugly kids" business.  He can't [and doesn't want to] list any reason or reasons why we should and/or could never be together.

Yea, I'm gonna try me one of them types next time around. What a f@ckin' revelation.

[Light bulb.]

New rule for buying lingerie:

Fellas:

You wanna get me out of them? You gotta put me in them first.

Semi-annual sale going on now. Get to shopping!

Display Case.

Dear Handsie Mother F*ckas in the club,

Treat me like a display case: you can look, but you sure as hell cannot touch.

Sincerely,

Management.

On second thought....

Dear Sir,

I take back everything I said. You were right, let's not even risk it. My eyes were opened when I met a young couple: the mother had a delicate frame, striking features, flawless skin, and gorgeous hazel eyes. The father had a kind face, blonde hair and blue eyes and a nice frame.  Their offspring is a pudgy little monster with matted hair and beady, black eyes.

Totally not worth the risk. 

I am so sorry. I will not doubt you again; and let's keep our gametes to ourselves.

Cheers.

Just dinner.

Dear Sir,
Stop telling me we'd have ugly kids! I just want to know if you want to eat publicly somewhere together. No plans of popping any other questions at this point in time. Yeesh...talk about putting the cart before the horse.

-Warmest Regards.

Mass Texts

Ladies, great social experiment for you:

Mass text your guy friends. Just pick five (5) single, straight, guy friends who don't really see you "in that way" and mass text them something provocative. Doesn't even have to be a friend, he can be a "friend [*wink wink*]".

I once sent a mass text that read, "I'm drunk and horny, how is your night going?" just to a few friends and this fella I was talking to at the time. I got no response from any of them that night. BUT, not three weeks later when I was making plans to see the fella I was seeing, but not for adult play time, he protested in confusion and annoyance, "then what does 'I'm drunk and horny, how's your night going?' mean?"

I can assure you all, replying with, "I was simply letting you know how my night was going, and I was curious as to how your plans were unfolding that evening," wasn't the exact response he was looking for...

Good A$$ Night!

Woke up this morning in a bedroom not my own in a residence also not my own in a women's Brazilian T-shirt [again, not my own] wearing no pants and with a new number in my phone. Yep, sounds like I had a good a$$ night!

This is why I'm single:

Goes to bar. End of night bartender asks for lunch date for the following day. Responds, "wait, what?" Bartender graciously repeats request- this time in front of female coworkers who are egging him on. Writes down phone number and gives to bartender. Walks away-still confused-and not entirely sure the correct phone number was provided.

 

*sigh*

Weird?

I was told last night that "it could never happen between us because we would have funny looking kids." Weird that this is a first- usually I'm advised of what darling and adorable offspring we'd have by random male suitors- weirder still that I think I'm genuinely hurt [not hurt enough to try and prove him wrong, but hurt nonetheless].

 

Weird, right?

Topless Photos.

Text message conversation:

Young Hot Suitor: "You know, in the mean time, you could send me some sexy pics ;]"

Me: "Yea, that's not really my thing. Don't want my face and likeness out there in cyberspace, ya know?"

Young Hot Suitor: "Well, you don't have to show your face in the pics, obvi."

Me [thinks]: 'Right....because nothing makes me feel more special and different than knowing I am a faceless, unidentifiable topless photo in your library folder of topless chicks [brown edition, perhaps? at least then there would be some differentiation...]'

Me: "Yea, no deal."

White wine and chocolate.

If I could find a man who can do to me what chocolate and white wine does to me, I would make him a very happy man.

Advising on the obvious.

Just short of renting a billboard, decorating said billboard with blinking Vegas-style neon lights, then fashioning these lights to spell out exactly what action I am imploring you to take, how can I convey the message that I want you to,


'Ask me out'


 ?


 Please advise.

How I know...

How did I know it was over and I couldn't stomach the idea of spending even a millisecond longer in your presence? On a working-but-underpaid, recent college graduate's budget I said 'no' to a free meal...

O yea, I'm serious.