Smart Kid

Heading out of the dentist, I have the pleasure of over hearing this exchange between a mother and her daughter. Please keep in mind while the mother is focused on her daughter who is focused on her next treat, the father is cautiously guiding his two lovely ladies through the lobby and the walking traffic.

Kid: Mommy, I want gum. Mommy, I want my gum.

Mom: Not until you finish your lollipop.

Kid [without skipping a beat]: *Crunch*

Both Parents: [Look wide eyed at their daughter.]

Me [Bursts into laughter]: "Baha! Smart kid."

Petition for Public Flogging

Something I think our forefathers had right and at times, let's face it, is totally justified into todays day and age.

Thusly, I bring you: Things People Should Be Flogged Publicly- A Wonderful, Ranting List of "Seriously." and "Seriously?!" F*cked-Uped Habits by Humanity.

No. 1:

Whilst driving: That one driver (most likely in a Prius, but occasionally in a Mini) who, bless him/her, has the 'nads to right-on-red turn into your lane, only to then proceed at a snail's pace.

[But wait, there's more]

Only to then, upon the next quick-yellow-to-red light, BLOW THE OBVIOUSLY RED LIGHT.

But why sir/madam? But. Why?

You're honor,

Petition for Public Flogging on these grounds.

Black Where It Counts

Dear Caucasian Suitor,

When you confess to being, "Black where it counts," I sincerely hope you mean that you have a deeply rooted sense of pride in African American history as well as our true and positive culture, respect for "your" people-particularly for strong Black women as a whole and for those in matriarchal roles- and a great sense of rhythm and soul when you move to a beat.


Sincerely (not) yours,

This Cocoa Mocha-Latte (unamused) Mamacita

Too Soon, Bro

Me and my boo bear are cuddled up on the couch- my head resting on his stomach, one of his arms draped over my torso- watching a movie. I am beaming with girlish delight, day dreaming about the possibility of my 'just me' turning into a 'just us' in the near future. Then suddenly, my head detects the slightest, but recognizable grumble from his abdominals- and before I could pray for that grumble to travel north....


My thought bubble: "Oh no this n**** didn't?!"

Pokin' The Papa Bear

Phone conversation with my daddy dukes (NB: my dad isn't one for the doctors and modern medicine. We basically have to sedate him and drop him off in the waiting room for his annual/semi-annual visits):


Me: "Hey, Pops, you taking care of yourself?"

Papa Bear: "Yes, Baby, you'll be happy to hear that I'm going for my colonoscopy next week."

Me: "Yikes, well, you make sure the doc buys who dinner first- because you are a lady."

Papa Bear: "He-well, wait, I see what you did there..."


Adulthood means being able to sass your father and he doesn't somehow pop your mouth through the phone receiver. Hello, world, I have arrived.

No Price Tag

And for good reason. There is nothing you could provide me that I can't acquire on my own or live without it.




Please take note, and act accordingly.

That Moment: Old Soul, New Tech

That moment...


When you almost set a sexy snap as your public story....




Please tell me we've all been there...?

"I don't want to be tied down"

Fellas, give it a try. You may actually like it.


                                            Plus, I don't want to be tied up before you're tied down.

Pretty Boy Says Dumb Sh*t.

He likes long, curly hair. Since I have relatively long, curly hair, that's been a plus. Until this happened:

"Ooo, she's got longer hair than you." His eyes follow her for a moment as he sips his drink before flashing me a coy smile and a "your move" look.

"Oh, honey, you don't want me to start comparing what's longer on my ex than on you." I quietly sip my drink and flash him a "checkmate" look.

Check, please?

"Maybe we should be just friends because my favorite thing to do is get a BJ on the drive down to the beach." He concluded with a smile.

[Look of utter embarrassed shock, I conclude to myself:] "And that is why you, sir, will be paying for my meal and will enjoy the rest of your night without me."

Dark Roast

Realizing I like my men how I like my coffee...


Strong....

                 Black....


                              Bold...
                      

                                            And gourmet...




He perks me right up, my Dark Roast.

Cage the Beast.

"Dag, you're so, so [gestures and strong arm push]. Like, why don't you just relax at let things happen organically?" He exclaimed.


"Because I know myself, and with no title and no agreed monogamy, I'm free to damage that pride of yours, dearest...."

Be Your Sweetheart

That guy I've seen around a few times. He is very dark and lovely. He is also dangerously charming....

D&L: [With a chuckle] "You're a sweetheart."

Me: [With a softened voice and 'the look'] "...in public."

Achilles' Heel

The way he smiles when he says my name~*~


                                                                                              It gets me every time~*~

What's Your Fantasy?

"To love him," would be the honest answer were I to truthfully answer his question. But what bachelor party goer wants to hear about "true, reciprocated, healthy love" from a card-carrying "VIP" bachelorette party goer (who is also one of the two single ladies of the group)? Especially since, upon a "VIP" dare [the most binding of all dares during such pre-matrimony celebrations], I asked him what his sexual fantasy is.


So now I know that a complete stranger has a thing for Catholic school girls [surprise] and he has no idea that all I want is to know what it's like to love the lucky bastard.


[Shrugs].

Filling the Void

It is apparent that I have voids to fill- that is an undeniable, unmistakable, and absolute truth.

While I feel these voids are spiritual, interpersonal, emotional, and intimate in nature, I seem to be inclined to find gentlemen suitors who are interested in filling only the physical voids, which, to be fair, are more easily visible to the world, save for the few voids that are guarded by walls of cloth instead of walls built with the bricks of my past.

Two Choices, One [Preferred] Outcome

I've always wanted a boyfriend.  I've also always wanted my Master's degree.

Both will take a lot of effort, sacrifice, planning, possible loss of friends, maybe even some separation from family because of time restraints and new responsibilities.



.....but only one will bring me that much closer to a six-figure income...


                                             ....and will definitely not try to sleep with my best friend.


Decisions, decisions.

Small [Friggin'] World.

Nothing like participating in an event ran by the former flame who pre-dates you with the shared former flame. Oh, and she knows who you are. She knows full well who you are...


Yea, that's a fun feeling. It's nice. Just nice.

Missed Direction

Really wished I had face-pushed you out the way the millisecond you introduced me to your friend.

Creative Measures

Me: "I don't know how else to put this: [final hesitation before taking the dive] I've had a crush on you for the past 6 months now..."

Him [Pauses before he replies]: "I'm leaving for Italy in two weeks to meet with the parents of my betrothed."

Me [Pause] [Heart Sinks] [With a pained chuckle, replies]: "Well, that's one way to say 'no'."

The First of Many Bad Signs

I should have known he was a terrible match the moment he told me the choice he made when he confronted the guy who accidently roofied his drink back in college.

"I said, 'look, man, I can either report you to the dean or beat your a$$." He recounted.

"So you beat his a$$ and reported him to the dean, right?" I pried.

"Nah, I gave him a choice." He explained.

"So what did he choose?" I inquired, fearing I already knew the answer...

"I beat his a$$. [Shrugs] He said he was sorry." He responded, as if he were describing the obvious decision made by a naughty child faced with either a spanking or three-weeks-long time out.

"Yea, he's sorry for roofying the wrong drink. Not for being a terrible person. He's now going to be more meticulous in his date-rape attempts, you do realize?"

"I mean, I guess, but I knew who he was. I'd been to parties at his house. So, I mean. [Shrugs]"

I think as a self preservation mechanism, my memory of the conversation grows fuzzy right about then...*sighs* [bows and shakes head.]

Bent Out of Shape

I don't like yoga. It's too slow. Gives me plenty of time to slow down and catch up with all my demons...

Keep It Together.

I'm having a hard time hiding my crazy....

My Problem

I'm pretty sure the guy I am waiting for is way out of my league. If I were to meet him, I would probably look him up and down and tell him, "Nah, you could do better" turn and walk away, hands in my jacket pockets, into the sunset...

Spoiler Alert

Literary discussion during a date with a very charming, tall-dark-and-handsome (TDH) type. He just doesn't understand my hesitation after he said, damn near verbatim, what I always said I wanted to hear, *I want a man who knows what he wants, and he wants me, and he makes it known*. Seems too good to be genuinely true. Me thinks he doth spit game too much:

Me: "Are you familiar with the Shakespeare play, 'Romeo and Juliet'?" 

TDH: "Vaguely, I- go ahead and refresh my memory."

Me: "Well, I'm specifically reminded of the balcony scene, when Romeo sees Juliet and compares her to the moon because she is all that and such."

[He nods to indicate he follows]

Me: "Well, if you consider the dialogue between the two: while Romeo is spitting love sonnets, Juliet responds with the practical inquiry of 'but who is this fool at castle wall in the middle of the night?!'"

TDH: "Let me stop you right now. How many men have you met that immediately caused you to thing of 'Romeo and Juliet'?"

Me: "I-"

TDH: "Stop right there- just think and answer."

Me [after a moment of consideration]: "Ok, none. But that's not necessarily a good thing..."

TDH: "Wait, but see? I'm just saying. It's, [deep breath, and sighs] wow, magical, right?"

Me: "Uh, you're familiar with the ending of the play, right?

TDH: "No, why?"

Me [after the initial shock wears off]: "You're serious? You know it's a tragedy..."

TDH: "What do you mean? Ruin the end for me, how does it end? Does one of them die? Do they not end up together?"

Me [slight hesitation]: "Uh....Google it....I don't want to ruin your night."

As is. No revisions. No alterations.

"I like you blonde," Eyes me up and down from scalp to chin, "Yea, that's a good look for you- you should consider going back to it." He suggests, unsolicited, especially considering this is our first encounter in person. Unbeknownst to him, I love me with cherry red locks.


"You should probably change back into contacts." He hints, lips curled back on one side in slight disgust of my currently framed face.  Little did he know, I think I look smart in my tortoise shell specs.


"You know, if you wanted to lose 5 lbs. of vanity weight, dear, I wouldn't be against it."
              ....."Oh no he didn't."


-Have me as I am, or not at all. And I can assure you, in my opinion, you deserve the latter.-

Hurt.

There's a certain type of pain that comes with disappointment. It centers in your chest and, depending on how deep the disappointment runs, keeps a firm grip on your heart as this pain, almost literally, pulls you with your hopes and dreams down.


...down.


Down deep into some obscure black pit of doubt and shame.


It saddens me greatly to see him live down to the rumors and expectations of others.

And the doubts I have about my own choices- when I was so certain that I saw someone better-  only to be forced to accept that maybe it was naïve folly that clouded my better judgment...pains me. 

This hurt. Is unlike any other.


                                               Oh, how I hope it was worth it to you.








                                                                                                                                  Cheers.

My First Mistake

I actually mean it now- when I say, "I'm done wasting my time on losers and ass holes and ass hole losers!!"

Meaning that if and when I meet someone and it doesn't work out, I will be a lot more disappointed and disheartened than relieved and thankful.

My first mistake was letting him know that I (initially) liked him.

What I am ultimately looking for is when I tell a guy, "Hey, I like you. Don't f*ck it up." for him to look me in the eye, say, "Ok." and then proceeds to not f*ck it up. That last part seems to be a relatively impossible task to accomplish.



....a$$.

Humanity Would Be Doomed

To casually say, "I'm not interested" would barely scratch the surface of my indifference for your existence.


We could be the last two people on earth with the entire fate of the human race relying on the intermingling of our genitalia ,and my exact response would be to look him up and down, shrug, and casually say,

                                                   "Well, humanity had a good run."



Cheers. Now f*ck off, won't you?

That's Not A Compliment

                                        "You're the type of girl I deserve." 




I'm sure he meant that overly confident statement as a compliment. And it is, if he were about 30 lbs less fat, 50 lbs more muscle, and could be easily mistaken for a male model.  But since he's not, I'm going to go head and throw up a little in my mouth while I silently cry on the inside....



*Sigh*

Change Is Good...Within Context

Change, of course, can be a good thing. But please don't enter a relationship, with a human being, with the soul purpose of changing that individual. Change can occur because you two grow together, or because that person realizes they should really improve to meet the other person's level, etc.
 
 But to look at a person as a project, as I have, even with the purest of intentions, as I had, it still too great a burden for any one person, other than the intended project, to undertake.

[Shrugs] Just a thought.

Permitted

"Imma even let you open the door for me."

Is what I declared to him. He's lucky I'm willing to be seen in public with him, let alone allow him the chance to get a glimpse at my booty as I walk on by.


*"You're welcome."*

Peeved.

I can handle rejection. That comes with the territory. I handle rejection like a champ. It's an old, familiar friend really.



Indecisiveness, on the other hand, is a mortal enemy.




                         Make up your mind on what it is you want from me.
                                         And act accordingly, please.

Slow It Down, Romeo

I don't want to be your Rosaline nor your Juliet...




Come to think of it, at this point, I don't really want to be your anyone.



Cheers.

I'm Not Saying This Because I'm Hangry

 

So I'm too much of a chump to post my reaction on the online medium where I found this meme, so I'm doing it in the comfort of my own blog. Deal with it. It's the truth. It's not fair. I don't want to be the (metaphorical) bigger person here for a change. You fatties were mean to me. Viciously mean. How does it taste? Probably not as good as those pork rinds you used to freebase. Unhappy jerks.

 

 

"The real me wants to say, 'Thank you. #SkinnyGirlSwag.' The PC me wants to say, 'I think it's important to be happy with your being healthy.' But bump that, for real, I was tormented growing up. Tormented. Now I have to deal with sloppy, big chicks posting about their meals and work out plans. No one cares. Unless you're eating an endangered animal while performing fire dancing to live house music. No. One. Cares."

I Wish A N*gga Would

They say violence begets more violence.



Well you're about to be-gotten.




                        Lay hands on me one more 'gain. See what happens.

Dad's Rule

"All I want for my girls is for the right guy to be at least as crazy about chya as I am. That's the minimum."

When God Closes A Door, He Opens A Window

I'm hoping when He closes a door, and shuts that window, then burns down the whole building, it's because He is trying to say, "F*ck it, let's just build something better. I hated that building anyway."

I Will Never Understand You People

I'm a model and I have insecurities about my physical appearance. Let's review: I take my clothes off, put other people's on, and have other people take pictures of me while I pose in various studios and locations. That's what I do for kicks, and I have "fat" and "ugly" days.

You all have "fat", "old", "gray hair with WAAAAAAAAAY TOO MUCH product", "holding onto my waning glory days", "You're hoping my lack of coordination on the dance floor does not translate to my skills in the bedroom, when, truth be told, it only gets worse once I'm off my feet" years, and yet you can still confidently approach me with the assumption that I am dying to waste 5 minutes to a solid hour ignoring your aforementioned imperfections because my goodness, you are a Greek god.

Gross. Please remove yourself from my presence. Leave the drink you ordered me. It's proper libations.

Just Once

Just once I'd like him to answer proudly and truthfully, "Yes, she is." when asked if I'm his girlfriend.

Now, let's clarify, I'd like this him to be someone I don't mind being seen with in public. Let alone someone I wouldn't mind being with romantically and intimately.

But seriously, I would like him to be someone I would also claim in public.

*Sigh* a girl can dream....

Baptized by Beauty

I'm noticing a pattern of monstrously wealthy, powerful, arrogant, devious, ruthless, selfish men who, in a moment of lucidity, marry and even procreate with truly beautiful, generous, kind, caring, loving, humble, sometimes even Godly women.

Interesting, no?  Like a last ditch effort to save themselves from themselves.

If It's Not OK in Real Life

It's still not ok online.

Fellas, I'll make this simple: If you don't know my birth name, and especially if we're on username only, it is way too soon for you to be asking me if I know how to twerk. (Also, it's 2014. Be serious.)

Special Delivery

Seething, I check my phone again. "Come on." Because encouraging an inanimate electronic device will no doubt expedite the Universe bringing your heart's desires to fruition. "Come on!" Thankfully I only raise the voice in my head.  My inner voice grumbling, I place my phone back down on my desk, look up aimless at my work computer, and begin mentally drafting tonight's bitter-angry-FOREVERalone-single-girl blog entry, when the mail tech comes by to drop off some letters to the woman the cubicle across from mine.


"Nah, I couldn't go too crazy on Christmas. I gotta save for the perfect ring for my girl." He boasts. I can't see him, but by the tone of his voice I'm certain he made his declaration with a puffed out chest and proud smile. "Nah, I gotta get the right one, you know? I wanna do it once and I wanna get it right." He goes on, "if this was the 2nd or 3rd or 4th time, then yea, any ol' ring would do. But not the first time. The first time you gotta do it right. And I wanna do it right the first and only time for her."

.....my mood obviously lightens upon overhearing his declaration of love.  Ducking further into my computer chair so that I may wipe away a few escaping tears in peace, I sniffle quietly and get back to work.