Keep It Together.

I'm having a hard time hiding my crazy....

My Problem

I'm pretty sure the guy I am waiting for is way out of my league. If I were to meet him, I would probably look him up and down and tell him, "Nah, you could do better" turn and walk away, hands in my jacket pockets, into the sunset...

Spoiler Alert

Literary discussion during a date with a very charming, tall-dark-and-handsome (TDH) type. He just doesn't understand my hesitation after he said, damn near verbatim, what I always said I wanted to hear, *I want a man who knows what he wants, and he wants me, and he makes it known*. Seems too good to be genuinely true. Me thinks he doth spit game too much:

Me: "Are you familiar with the Shakespeare play, 'Romeo and Juliet'?" 

TDH: "Vaguely, I- go ahead and refresh my memory."

Me: "Well, I'm specifically reminded of the balcony scene, when Romeo sees Juliet and compares her to the moon because she is all that and such."

[He nods to indicate he follows]

Me: "Well, if you consider the dialogue between the two: while Romeo is spitting love sonnets, Juliet responds with the practical inquiry of 'but who is this fool at castle wall in the middle of the night?!'"

TDH: "Let me stop you right now. How many men have you met that immediately caused you to thing of 'Romeo and Juliet'?"

Me: "I-"

TDH: "Stop right there- just think and answer."

Me [after a moment of consideration]: "Ok, none. But that's not necessarily a good thing..."

TDH: "Wait, but see? I'm just saying. It's, [deep breath, and sighs] wow, magical, right?"

Me: "Uh, you're familiar with the ending of the play, right?

TDH: "No, why?"

Me [after the initial shock wears off]: "You're serious? You know it's a tragedy..."

TDH: "What do you mean? Ruin the end for me, how does it end? Does one of them die? Do they not end up together?"

Me [slight hesitation]: "Uh....Google it....I don't want to ruin your night."

As is. No revisions. No alterations.

"I like you blonde," Eyes me up and down from scalp to chin, "Yea, that's a good look for you- you should consider going back to it." He suggests, unsolicited, especially considering this is our first encounter in person. Unbeknownst to him, I love me with cherry red locks.


"You should probably change back into contacts." He hints, lips curled back on one side in slight disgust of my currently framed face.  Little did he know, I think I look smart in my tortoise shell specs.


"You know, if you wanted to lose 5 lbs. of vanity weight, dear, I wouldn't be against it."
              ....."Oh no he didn't."


-Have me as I am, or not at all. And I can assure you, in my opinion, you deserve the latter.-

Hurt.

There's a certain type of pain that comes with disappointment. It centers in your chest and, depending on how deep the disappointment runs, keeps a firm grip on your heart as this pain, almost literally, pulls you with your hopes and dreams down.


...down.


Down deep into some obscure black pit of doubt and shame.


It saddens me greatly to see him live down to the rumors and expectations of others.

And the doubts I have about my own choices- when I was so certain that I saw someone better-  only to be forced to accept that maybe it was naïve folly that clouded my better judgment...pains me. 

This hurt. Is unlike any other.


                                               Oh, how I hope it was worth it to you.








                                                                                                                                  Cheers.

My First Mistake

I actually mean it now- when I say, "I'm done wasting my time on losers and ass holes and ass hole losers!!"

Meaning that if and when I meet someone and it doesn't work out, I will be a lot more disappointed and disheartened than relieved and thankful.

My first mistake was letting him know that I (initially) liked him.

What I am ultimately looking for is when I tell a guy, "Hey, I like you. Don't f*ck it up." for him to look me in the eye, say, "Ok." and then proceeds to not f*ck it up. That last part seems to be a relatively impossible task to accomplish.



....a$$.

Humanity Would Be Doomed

To casually say, "I'm not interested" would barely scratch the surface of my indifference for your existence.


We could be the last two people on earth with the entire fate of the human race relying on the intermingling of our genitalia ,and my exact response would be to look him up and down, shrug, and casually say,

                                                   "Well, humanity had a good run."



Cheers. Now f*ck off, won't you?

That's Not A Compliment

                                        "You're the type of girl I deserve." 




I'm sure he meant that overly confident statement as a compliment. And it is, if he were about 30 lbs less fat, 50 lbs more muscle, and could be easily mistaken for a male model.  But since he's not, I'm going to go head and throw up a little in my mouth while I silently cry on the inside....



*Sigh*

Change Is Good...Within Context

Change, of course, can be a good thing. But please don't enter a relationship, with a human being, with the soul purpose of changing that individual. Change can occur because you two grow together, or because that person realizes they should really improve to meet the other person's level, etc.
 
 But to look at a person as a project, as I have, even with the purest of intentions, as I had, it still too great a burden for any one person, other than the intended project, to undertake.

[Shrugs] Just a thought.