Have. Want?

Dear Sir, you have me. Decide if you want me.

Last time I pop this question.

My first, last, and only marriage proposal delivered over text:

Young Hot NYC Lawyer: Soft consonants are a hoot.

Me:...marry me? Please?

Young Hot NYC Lawyer: Hahahaha! Ha! Shite, that was funnier than a soft consonant.

Me: [laugh cry] Haha, awesome. You just laughed at my marriage proposal. Never trying that move again.

[Long a$$ torturous pause]

Me: and on that lovely note, good night!
[begins collecting the remains of her pride]

Young Hot NYC Lawyer: Night, night.

[Throws arms up and let's tattered remains scatter to the ground as she walks away and concludes, "fuck it."]

Genre of dance.

When asked by a young man if I was a runner, I replied with the implied truth, "no, I am not a runner. I stay fit by dancing" when I simply stated that I was not a runner, but a dancer. I think he reasoned "exotic" was implied by my descriptive noun, "dancer" as he continued leering at me as I hurried to my car. It's either he thought I was a stripper, or he has a perverted appreciation for Russian style ballet.

Never too late.

Driving by the a newly weds taking their wedding photos as they walk down a city street. Happen to catch eyes with the grooms joyous. Winks at him and gestures "call me" with a sexy, alluring smile to finish before turning left on the perpendicular street heading in the opposite direction of the lovely couple.

No apologies, I just couldn't help myself.

23 hours later...

This post is not out of jealousy. Fully possible that you whipped the bastard into shape [in which case, kudos to you!] over these past few years,

but my first impression of the guy was shaped by knowing the night after you met your still-going-strong boyfriend, the one who spent that whole night wooing you, he bought condoms with the intentions of bedding another girl...

Your mother said she loves me.

Your family adores me. What the hell is your hold up?

Tactile dysfunction.

Touching him in the present and remembering one from the past while wishing he were another in the near future. 




Such a sensory overload.

His favorite snack is Combos

Wrapping my head around the fact that I still remember one of those cutesy girlfriendy details about my ex, which came to my attention when I was trying to make nice with another guy.  Still don't know how I negotiated my way out of that awkward situation...

....still don't know why I think about his snacking habits...

One thing wrong.

Young, attractive, great sense of humor, easy going and out-going, successful, brilliant- like scary brilliant but still has decent social skills- similar tastes in music, movies, and religious beliefs.  Has own car, place, and retirement plan.  "That" is a respectable size as well. Shows interest in me. His friends and I get along. He cooks!

He sounds too good to be entirely true. 

When my mind wanders and I start to wonder why she left such a great package deal...I can't help but fear that the one thing wrong with him is he still wonders why she did, too...

Morals Don't Always Mix with Traffic Law

Woman with a "Choose Life" ribbon on her pumper takes a right turn on red while pedestrians are in the cross walk with a "State Law: Yield to Pedestrians in Crosswalk" sign in the middle of it; pedestrians either hurry across or double back to avoid her vehicle.

Question for you: is that ribbon regarding a proposed universal birth right or a possible prison sentence as a result of your driving abilities? Just curious. . .

Put a ring on it.

Right now, the only ring I want to put on a guy ain't going on his finger...

He's not the K.O.she's about to get...

He is a real knock out. So much so, that when other females recognize his attractiveness and, maybe not realizing how good of a left hook I have, they make a move on him as if I am not standing 3 feet away...wrapping my hands and wrists.  


Just saying, ladies, I found mine....now go get the f#ck away from him.

Relationship Status.

Starting to believe there should be some more options when selecting one's relationship status. Some suggests are:

"Pending a decision if he/she would ever make up his/her mind..."

"Well, I'm his/her 'not boyfriend/girlfriend'"

"[awkwardly looks at partner then looks back at delivered question]"

Planning.

Get's invited to an all white party on the most inopportune week of her month.

Cognitive dissonance

Removing your ex from having access to your social networking site profile.

Whispers a little prayer that he gets word of how hot and awesome you are and how well you're doing without him through the grapevine every time a mutual friend comments on, posts on, or views your page.

Not vicious, observant.

Have you ever gotten a glimpse of a cutesy couple picture of them and just wanna say, "wow, your new girlfriend is ugly!"? 

Just as an observation on his post-breakup decisions and the obvious lowering of his standards, not to be malicious or vindictive in any way shape or form.

I'm bad with breakups

Have you ever been in that situation where you are looking at one person, and you really sincerely wish you were with that other person? Yes? Ok what the f#ck do I do in that situation? Because it is awkward as hell.

I know when it's over, I'll just horrible at breaking it off...time to fade into the background....or let him catch me on top.

Poking in the dark.

Text conversation between me and Mr. Smarty Pants:

Me: In case you're still oblivious as to what I'm trying to hint here, let me translate for you: when it comes to dinner reservations and future dates, I respond well when the fella takes initiative and makes a move.

Mr. Smarty Pants: What move would that one be?

[Holds response in hopes he'll figure it out on his own]

Mr. Smarty Pants: I'll look for moves to make, but probably just going to be poking in the dark.

Me: Poking in the dark? Dinner better be A-mazing before you make any of those types of moves, my dear.





Oddly enough, he has since asked me to come over to his place for a delicious home-cooked meal prepared by his apt hands. I can only hope he is fully aware that one move should not immediately follow the other...there should be some time elapse...no one wants the mood ruined or performance weakened by indigestion or cramping. Just saying.

Fears.

Today I realized my top four fears are as follows:

1) Heights

2) The dark

3) Knives

4) Two or more men who've seen me naked, for adult reasons, in the same room and/or in the same conversation.

All four initiate the same fight or flight response, except I'm pretty sure throwing punches mid-polite-conversation (especially if I haven't explained their connection) would not be the best reaction if my goal is to make things less awkward for me.

Like roses, but for men.

Things I learned tonight: 

Showing up with a six pack of pristine beer is kinda the male equivalent of receiving a half a dozen roses. Short stem roses, but still.