True friend moment.

Text message conversation between me and the most interesting man I know:

Me: I'm being mopey at home in sweatpants watching Glee.
Quinto: You get one mopey night. That's it.
Me: Hey?!? What?! I'm not agreeing to this lol
Quinto: Just one. Then back on that horse. The world needs a non-mopey Kristina. We depend on it. You're the lighthouse. So pick it the fuck up.

Ace of Hearts.

That insecure moment when you wonder if it was all just a ruse and he duped you into having feelings for him just to save face...


The capricious fool.

Purchasing his replacement.

I saw a former flame a few nights ago. After about an hour or so of catching up, I was in a hurry to get on to the rest of my evening plans.

Immediately after leaving said flame, I was in a local "adult pleasantries" shop. 


Upside to being a female between the ages of 18 and 200 is I can't imagine this sequence of events being judge worthy. 


Boom, life win.

Like meeting in a grocery store, but not.

One of my biggest fears was walking into an 'adult accessory store" [read: sex shop] and running into someone I know. In all fairness, this person should be equally embarrassed for whatever reason they are in that store [right?]. 


As it turns out, a university where I art model offers an art/psych class on human sexual behaviorism that includes a field trip to a local sex shop.



Nothing like running into a group of people who have seen you naked as you purchase necessary single-girl accessories. . .

Finding purpose.

Funniest thing you can hear while in a sex shop:

"Where does it go?"

Best answer (in this specific scenario):

"On your foot- it's for your foot."

Sex Shops and Patrons

The creepiest thing about walking into a sex shop at any time of night is, if you are a female between the ages of 18 and dead, there will be any number of creepy middle aged men who will be in that same store purchasing some synthetic version of something you're just walking around with all carefree about life...

Eyewear as accesories

I lost my glasses the other day, conveniently before meeting up with a former flame my mother all but approved of.  This is the exchange between my mom and me while looking for my spectacles:
 
Me: "I usually wear my contacts out because 'guys don't make passes at girls with glasses.'"
Mom: "Considering the guys you've been dating, maybe you should start putting your glasses on when you go out."
Me: o_0'

The "Not" Girlfriend

Sometimes, when he's asked, "Oh, so she's your....?" and he replies, "Friend." I really want to place one hand on my hip, turn to him and remark, "That's not what you saaaiiiiid last night!" Full Black-woman head snake and all.
 

Size matters.

Chick at the bridal store said she'd pull me a size 6 to get me fitted. I said 4 or 6 should work. She brought back both (smart woman) and when I closed the clasp on the size 4 she exclaimed, 'Oh, you are a 4!"

Don't look so surprised, b****. Question me again and I will cut you.

Mexican Tap Water

A tweet on Texts from Last Night reads, "I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron."

Honey, sometimes a man is thirsty and he'll risk a mean case of the shits to get some...

Gender appropriate conversations

Text message conversation:

Me: I have to go to a bridesmaids' dress fitting for my sister's wedding. I'm freaking out!

Quinto: You'll be ok. This is more of a girlfriend conversation maybe?

Me: Ooo, wrong box.

When you're right, you're right

I first used this expression to put out a developing argument between my divorced parents one time when I was a teen. It had since stuck with me as it has some validity. When you are correct in your thought- word- deed- what have you, and I mean undeniably in the right, though no others may recognize your rightness, then all you want is for sometime to acknowledge that you are indeed right. Sometimes that's all someone wants. They don't want to just peacefully back down without any recognition of the pride they are swallowing to appease the opposed party.

That all being said: you, sir, were right. Your delivery sucked, but the content is true.


Here's to finding my Mr. Right.


Because when you're right, you're right.

Chivalry has a chance

To the two teenage boys who held the door to Dunkin Donuts open for me this morning:

Thank you both for your kind gesture that reaffirmed my faith in mankind and expedited my acquiring of my peppermint mocha fix.

Warm Regards.

Turn ons exclude.

Found out today that the idea of a relationship with me is a huge turn off, BUT nooooot with that other woman.


Awwwweeesome.

Merciful

Well, here we are.

                                                                      Full circle.


                                                                I was crestfallen.


                                                                     Then angry.

     And now I've come to be saddened, remorseful, and really hoping you are equally tortured    
                                                 and willing to put us both out of our misery.






                                                                                                  Show some mercy,

Please make your move.

Althought it's nice to be thought of...

Receiving the text,  "wyd now?" [read: 'what (are) you doing now?'], at 3:01am can only translate to: "sex me, please, yes?"

Quinto was right

It's probably never a good sign when your quick-witted, equally blunt, 'guys'-guy' of a friend 1) calls you on your crazy-girl shit and 2) is right by the advise he gives you.


All right, I give up. I'll listen more often. Just don't let this post go to your head...

Check, please?

So apparently, in a mistaken effort to help my friend "score" last night, the waitress advised him not to warn me upon my return how strong she made my drink. I can only imagine what she said, but I'm sure it was along the lines of "Consented to or not, someone's gettin' lucky tonight!" 




I think he still gave her a good tip...

Prince charming is horseshi-

Dear Fairy Tales,

I believe your story of Aladdin is the most accurate as far as attractive men with wealth finding his one true love and doing everything in his (and his gini's) power to win her over.

It's been my personal experience that the "prince", who may be charming, is rarely after one damsel in distress, sleeping beauty, or headstrong princess.  It's more or less like 'all of the above', plus any supporting maidens, probably a few other leading ladies from other stories, maids, extras, the evil witch; that whore, Sarah (I hate that skank), and so on and so forth until the end of time....


I understand you stories are to delight youngsters and fill their hearts with hope....but please provide some sort of exit interview from childhood so we can save a lot of headache and heartache in our later years.

Thanks.


Warmest Regards.

Open relationships

Get the fuck outta here with that mess! If I'm gonna be crazy jealous because I see you with another girl, I'm gonna need  a reason for my jealousy (i.e. feelings of betrayal, mistrust, etc.) so that my jealousy makes sense (maybe not may actions thereafter, but I digress). I can't have that satisfaction in knowing I'm not irrational if the opening agreement is "I can bone whom I want when I want and you have no say in my actions. You do, however, get the adorable pet names and to put up with my bullshit when I'm not being tolerable."

Fuck. That.

Be not surprised when I walk away, middle finger to you and your jackass ways.


-Cheers

Riding out the storm.

So I can't be that much of an ingrate because he did take me in from the storm that passed through the east coast recently, but I will bring this exchange to light. You see, my dear friend and podcast partner, Quinto, agreed to put me up (and drive me to work if need be?! What?! Yes, ladies, he is single) for a few days if where I lived lost power and/or if public transit was suspended a few more days. His one condition? "Bring snacks" he replied. Obviously, the day before the storm, there were slim pickins at the local general store.  I grabbed what I could and headed over to his place. Here's what he had to say about my selection:

Quinto: [grimaces] I have an allergy to generic brand food products, so I'll have to pass.

Me:[pauses. blinks. replies:]...I hate you.


Day one of storm refugee. We were off to a great start.