Winning.

When you're grade school crush, out of the blue- the first contact made since finding and friending on the social network site many, many years ago- 'likes' a picture of you that shows off your curves and ability to properly apply makeup/comb your hair.

I'm not proud...

but I should admit




                                        I miss you.

Like, a lot.

My friends think I'm crazy.

Last Saturday, while hanging out with DW and some friends, I was lamenting [read: 'ranting about'] my romantic decisions over the last few months. Two days later, I receive these texts:

DW: For that guy.

DW:

Shopping addiction

Filling the void in my closet with things.


Cute, wearable things.

Ay, Ay, Captain.

I'm slow dancing with a charming wedding attendee. We exchange 'resume' information- current occupation, where we went to school, where we're from, how we know the bride and groom, etc. We then share this exchange :

Me: When is the s'mores making happening?

He: They don't have any chocolate or graham crackers.

Me: What?!

[He shrugs and flashes a smile]

[Feeling emboldened, I respond]: I will ask this of you: find me chocolate and graham crackers so we may make s'mores [pauses, and adds:] please? [because I'm awful at being unreasonably demanding]

[Surprise look on his face, like, eyes wide open- but I'm pretty sure his lips are curled up and back in a delighted smile.]

Me: [Full belly nervous chuckle] I'm sure this is one of the least demanding request you've ever received from a woman.

[NB: he's the owner and heir to a family owned yachting company, o, and he also captains their fleet.]

Truth be told.

You know, truth be told, I probably would've made a terrible girlfriend...




...she said                                                                         ironically.

Double Trouble

Down side to dating two guys at the same time is if they BOTH end up hurting your feelings, it sucks TWICE as much.


Lesson learned the hard way, I suppose...

Banana Pancakes

I happened to wake up before him and, because I haven't learned my lesson from the last one, decide to sneak off to the kitchen to surprise him with breakfast- the one meal I am very good at preparing.

So, no surprise, there are very little ingredients in the bachelor-pad fridge, save for some eggs (obviously), a few perfectly ripened bananas, butter and milk, and such.  As luck would have it, there is some pancake mix on one of the shelves above the sink.

Inspiration dawns on me,

"[Gasps] I can make banana pancakes!" I think with excitement at my own culinary-seductress genius.

"But what if he doesn't like banana pancakes?" I hesitate, then realize:

"Wait, who doesn't like banana pancakes?!"

And it's a go.

Goodies

Had I known before that offering baked goods made from scratch could have the same effect on men, I don't think this blog would be in existence....

Rumor Mill

DW: Rumor has it you have a boyfriend now.

Me: Well, tonight you and I learned an important lesson to not believe everything you hear.

DW: [Shrugs] Glad to hear it, squirt. [Mischievous grin]

Quick and Painless

Having endurance and stamina when you lack skill, darlin', is nothing to brag about.

Podcast...

...coming soon.



Stay tuned for the deets (details).

Stunt Double.

So I had a very nice young man, whom I had been seeing for a few months now, tell me that I need not worry as I bring a lot to the table, I'm a great catch, so on and so forth.


I just found out this same very nice young man has also been seeing another very nice young lady.


So. If I am a catch- if I am enough and my efforts score beyond satisfactory and expectations, then is the other chick just a stunt double? That's like saying, "You're great! You shouldn't worry so much, there is no competition! You bring a lot to the table. I'm gonna go be with her now- but hey, you rock!"

Damaged Goods.

In the Men's department returning some items. I encounter a very nice young man who is working the register. We exchange polite greetings and I advise I am here to make a return.

Store Clerk: Ok, Miss, is there a reason for your return today?

Me: He's sleeping with another girl.

Store Clerk: [pauses, shakes out of it and cautiously proceeds] Soooo, is there anything wrong with the merchandise?

Me: [Shrugs] Nope, just the bastard I bought it for.

Two speeds.

I'm realizing I have two speeds: 'bat-shit crazy cling-tastic obsessive stalker' and '[shrugs] fuck if I care' 


I usually opperate in the latter, oh, but that former is just lurking in me, just waiting to come out...




User beware.

Redeeming quality.

Studies show we are often attracted to people who remind us of ourselves. The research found the most functioning partnerships are not between complete opposites, but between couples who compliment each other: they share a lot of similarities, and there may be qualities in one that are missing in the other.

                                             That being said...

....I've decided I can't date anyone who is like me.


                                                       Because I am a terrible, awful person....

That moment...

When you hope that everyone you talk about on your blog is either:

a) not on the internets

or

b) functionally illiterate.

Except in dieting...

...eatin' ain't cheatin'.

Exception to the rules

You can't make a rebound into a relationship. Yes, I know the title of this post, and that's because there are always exceptions: 9 times out of 1000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
cases, it works out. 

Don't be a betting man/woman. Get your a$$ on a legit dating website and search engine Mr. Right there. Don't try to attach emotions to someone you affectionately call your "fleshy dildo". If for no other reasons, than at some point if you marry and procreate with this person, do you really want to explain to your offspring how Mommy met Daddy when she was 3 months out of a serious relationship and really needed to get laid, then she saw Daddy at the other end of the bar that night and 'he seemed legit,'?


The answer is, "no," that is not the story you want to tell your darling future offspring.

So key point of tonight's lecture.  Rebounds are rebounds. Relationships are relationships.

Cheers.

MisMatched.org

Probably shoulda taken the hint when the dating site didn't even match us up. . .

Things that make me want to punch people in the face:

Thick, plastic rimmed glasses- not always needed for improving one's vision- are in style these days. My tortured six grade self called, she and I both ask, "WTF, cool kids?!?!?"

For your safety.

Just found out my dad reads my blog. 



I don't use names on this blog. 



                                                               .You're welcome.

What makes a Man Piece a man

Same conversation, same topic, on a lighter note and about a better Man Piece:

Me: Yea, Dad, and he has a fantasy football league.

Papa Bear: Ok, this is good. This tells me he is  a man.

Me: Bahaha

Fatherly Advice

Catching up with my pops on life and such. He mentions he reads this blog.  I ask if he has any questions or concerns, and this strikes up a conversation concerning a former 'Man Piece'.  My father then bestows his profound wisdom:


Papa Bear: Any guy who gives you a timeline as to when he would like to start dating you or consider dating you? Just fucking run. Just- just fucking run. Your bullshit alarm should be going off, and you should run.




And you see wonder why I am a daddy's girl....

He's no art critic

Showing DW pictures of finished works of art for which I had provided the nude figure. He comments, oh so profoundly on a Boch relief rendering of me sitting with my back to the artist:

DW: Hey, I remember that [grins]

Me: *sigh*

Nothing's more awkward...

Than forcing conversation with a one night stand...



....three weeks later.

His Pep Talk.

You know how your friends tell you, "don't worry about it, move on, you can do way better anyway," after a breakup, heart break, breakdown or whatever?

Am I the only one who really hopes his friends are telling him, "Nah, dude, you really messed up. She was the best you'll ever land. [shakes head] It is all down hill from here, bro. Damn shame, too, we all really liked her...probably liked you a little more because of her [sucks teeth, shakes head once more, and sighs] Damn shame."?

Rebound like a boss.

Just survived my first heartbreak. 


I got a bunch a sh*t done soon there after:
 *Enrolled in school again to pursue my MBA
 *Mended a budding relationship
 *Perfected my new found homemaker hobby
 *Celebrated life, love, etc. with my nearest and dearest friends



Either he didn't do it right, or my natural tendency to reject bull-isht sped up my recovery time. 



Either way-




I rebounded like a boss.

You're amazing

So what's the catch?

Bad gamble.

Really almost chose the joker over the Ace...

Monogomy makes a girl feel special...

Text conversation with Daddy Warbucks:

Me: So when we gonna hang out again?

DW: Idk, just been laying low this week.

Me: Same here. Cops after you, too? =P

DW: Nope, just talking with my ex. Supposed to be being good

Me [sees all my hopes and dreams of having a sugar daddy fly away once more out of reach]: Awwwwwww, good luck!

DW: I wanted to invite you over last night!!

Me [stunned]: I don't think that counts as being good...unless you were looking to play board games all night long haha [super uncomfortable text laugh]

DW: Headboard games count? >=P

Me [buries face into palms]: You're awful! Haha [awkward uncomfortable buffer laugh] I should be wishing her good luck!Well I only text you because I thought of you the other day. Best wishes to you both. Don't be a stranger when you become boring and monogamous! =P

DW: I'm so ready!!

Me [it's late, I don't respond, but I think, "Awwwww, that's so cute! He's ready to put is pimp cup down and be a one-woman's-man!"]

[The next morning, I check my phone. See a new text from DW. It reads:]

DW: For you...

Me [scowls and thinks]: *@^*^#@!^!?! Son. of. a....